Words of Enfearment

Posted on October 12, 2015

Discussion with my son, ten years old at the time, on our ride home from school:

“Mom, can I play with my new NBA Hangtime game (Nintendo 64)?”

“ONLY IF you finish your homework, ” I replied robotically.

“Mom, why do you always have to say ‘ONLY IF.’ It sounds like I’ll be punished if I don’t. I hate being punished. Ms. A uses “IF” all the time and we don’t like it… ‘IF you don’t sit quietly when the new parents come for a tour, you will end up in my office. IF you don’t turn in your science fair topics by tomorrow, you will be not be allowed to attend the fair. IF this, IF that…’” he imitated her.

“Hmm….” is all I could say! I surely didn’t want to sound like Ms. A!

“What would you like me to say instead?” I asked him instinctively.

I don’t think he expected me to ask him that question. Nonetheless, his quick response astounded me.

“How about WHEN?” he suggested.

“Okay. Let’s try it. When you finish your homework, you can play your new Nintendo game.”

“Thank you. I like that,” he said. And added, “I love you, Mom.”

I definitely would not have wanted my mom to sound like Ms A either! Later that month, I attended a parenting talk at school that I had signed up for and in relating the experience to the therapist, she informed me that in her world it was called “conditioned parenting.” She also added that it instills FEAR in children.

Wow! My ten year old knew that… naturally.

I went home and told my kids to let me know if there were any words that I used that didn’t “feel” right to them and together we could come up with replacement words. They loved it, it made my life easier AND it was free child development tips from the children themselves! How much easier could parenting get! Did I feel bad about all the “IFs” I’d used thus far? No! Because I know that parenting is a practice and we are constantly evolving with our children. It’s the only way to learn and grow… together.

So, parents:

1. Sit down with your kids and ask them if there are any words you use that make them afraid or they simply don’t feel right about and see what they come up with! As long as you’re open minded, you will save yourself some serious anguish.

2. Don’t be too hard on yourself if there are other Words of Enfearment that they bring up. Guilt will only hold you back. Be proud of yourself for being open minded to change and growth. It will benefit you, your child, your family communication habits AND your relationship with your children. It’s a win-win change… I guarantee it!