Saying “Kindly,” Kindly

Posted on March 16, 2015

At a recent yoga class, my teacher, Wendy Hassenpflug from Vayu Yoga, mentioned Dr. Albert Mehrabian’s  “7%-38%-55% Rule,” which states that when it comes to communicating our feelings, words account for 7 percent of what is received, our tone of voice delivers 38 percent, and our non-verbal expressions (body language and facial expressions) the other 55 percent.

In other words, for effective and meaningful communication about emotions, our words, tone of voice, and body language and facial expressions need to be in sync—they need to support each other.

In an instant, my mind went back 10 years to a heated discussion I had with Nitasha, my then-teenage daughter, and I burst out laughing! Finally that exchange all made sense. Here’s the story:

One day I had gone into Nitasha’s room to get something, and I walked into a bit of a mess. I take that back. Her room was actually a big mess! Later that day, as Nitasha and I were driving home from school, she started to share with me her heavy homework load for the evening. As she was telling me all the things she had to do, I interrupted her and in a firm tone of voice said, “Nitasha, I walked into your room and what a mess I found. I get that you have a big workload today, but kindly arrange your room before you do anything else!”

Her response took me by surprise!

“Mom,” she said, “it really annoys me when you talk sarcastically like that!”

“Sarcastically?” I barked. “What is so sarcastic about reminding you to arrange your room?”

She shot back, “Now if you used the word ‘reminding,’ Mom, we would not be having this conversation!”

Needless to say, I was stumped! I had no idea where she was coming from!

“I’m so confused, Nitasha! What part of what I said was sarcastic, and what word should I have replaced with “reminding?” I asked her.

“See, Mom, I don’t think you realize that whenever you use the word ‘kindly’—and you use that word a lot—you use it as a command without any kindness at all. Your tone of voice is so demeaning that it makes me not want to do what you’re asking me to do! And you even frown when you say it. I wish I could take a picture of your scrunched forehead. All I’m asking is, if you’re going to use the word ‘kindly,’ then you should use it kindly—like, with kindness. Does that make sense?” she fired back, all in one breath.

It took me a minute, but I sort of saw her point. I took a quick inventory of my use of that word: “Kindly pick up after yourself.”

“Kindly lower that tone of voice. “Kindly show some respect!” And yes, I must admit, she was right. I really didn’t use that word very kindly! I realized that I had a certain commanding, perhaps even condescending, tone of voice that was a habitual delivery of that word—over and above the not-so-kind facial expressions. From then on, every time I used the word, ‘kindly,’ I watched my tone and tried to avoid scrunching my forehead.

And here I was, a decade later, reading about Dr. Mehrabian’s research, and it all came back to me, this time making perfect sense! Nitasha clearly had been affected by my words only by a minimal amount. My tone of voice and facial expressions did the rest of the talking!

How did I correct this habit? I began by looking up the definition of the word ‘kind’: loving, affectionate. I then made it a point every time I used the word to use it lovingly and affectionately—true to its essence.

How can we teach our children the true meaning of essential character-building words if we are unable to use them effectively ourselves? As I became more mindful of the words I used and the tone of voice and expressions behind them, lo, and behold! I found that I was using another oh, so important character-building word, completely out of its true context—“please.”

Many a time, I caught myself saying this word with a commanding tone of voice and a hard face:

Please learn to pick up after yourself!

Please finish your homework, now!

Please turn the lights off when you leave the room!

If we commit to using these words of grace gracefully, only then will our children learn to use them as they are meant to be used—with compassion and empathy.

Are there any such ineffective words that you use that irk your child? Share it with us (in the comment section below) so we can all learn together and help each other build our children’s character and communicate effectively.