Parenting: Emotional Intelligence or Emotional Ignorance

Posted on March 22, 2016

I was elated to see Dr. Daniel Golemen with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday recently. He is the inspiration behind the foundation principal of Emotional Intelligence (EI) in my book, The “Perfect” Parent , and he never ceases to impress me.

I truly believe that we cannot have enough reminders about the importance of being emotionally intelligent with our children. By definition, EI is our ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions and those of others. Dr. Goleman’s research on its benefits for our children’s academic and life success should be posted on every parent’s refrigerator and imprinted on our brains!

In his groundbreaking book, Emotional Intelligence, Dr. Goleman also discusses the three types of empathy:

1. Cognitive Empathy—understanding what the other is feeling.
2. Social Empathy— feeling what the other is feeling.
3. Empathetic Concern— helping the other with their feeling by personally engaging.

Let me help identify how these three elements can help drive effective communication with our children. What I like to call the Communication Balance also has three facets—thoughts, feelings, and expressions—and these underpin effective communication. They are how we can “commune,” or come together, with our children.

Cognitive Empathy is driven by our thoughts, leading to understanding.  Social Empathy is driven by our feelings, which derive from our emotions.  And Empathetic Concern—helping by personally engaging—is composed of our expressions. Visually, it looks like this:

That said, our Communication Balance is fueled by Emotional Intelligence. Otherwise you’re left with emotional ignorance. In order to communicate effectively, we must balance the emotional cloud that hazes our clarity and that of our children. How? With the emotional intelligence tool: Dealing with the Feeling: Spot it, Say it, Okay it.

1. Spot it: Spot the feelings (anger, sadness, hurt)
2. Say it: Say the feeling out loud (I know you’re feeling angry)
3. Okay it: Validate it (I understand how you must be feeling. If my brother broke my toy, I would feel the same way too)

No matter how old your child is, whether you are tackling the terrible twos, sibling issues, or teenage rebellion, building a child’s emotional vocabulary is key in moving to resolve. If your child is not good at expressing a feeling in words, build vocabulary by identifying the feelings for him or her. (“I see that you’re feeling mad or sad.”) The more you practice this, the easier it gets. The child’s emotional vocabulary grows, and outbursts lessen.

Keep in mind that there might be times when the child might not respond right away. In such a case, allow your child space to just sit with the emotion and “feel” what they are feeling. Offer to sit with them, hold their hand, or just hug them—reassuring them that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are what they are. This is emotion coaching at its core!

As Dr. Goleman reminds us, our brains are neuroplastic and ever willing to learn. Don’t let your kids grow up emotionally ignorant! It’s never too late to start using emotional intelligence to drive your child’s academic and life success and build the lasting relationships that are the results of effective communication.

In Joy!