Mirror Mirror!

Posted on May 24, 2014

Recently, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, noted psychologist and author of The Conscious Parent, sat down with Oprah for “Super Soul Sunday” to talk about what being a conscious parent means. The entire episode is well worth watching, but here are some of our favorite takeaways.

“Our children are showing us a mirror to our undeveloped self,” says Dr. Shefali. Let’s look at this mirror effect from two reflective points of view:

1. What is the child showing parents about themselves?

Say your three-year-old’s repeated temper tantrums test your patience to the max. Dr. Shefali says, “Turn the mirror inward, and ask, ‘What about me is my child reflecting back to me?’” In this case it’s your lack of patience in responding to your child. A bold and remarkable insight indeed! The fact is that if patience is a virtue you need to reinforce within yourself, you are sure to have a child who constantly seems to push you over the edge.

Now, we can either ignore what is being mirrored to us by our child’s behavior and keep butting heads, or we can take a step back and evaluate this call to action by looking within. But how can I do this in the midst of heightened emotions, you might ask. You can activate a little self-reflection and awareness by taking five deep breaths. This can buy some time for you to respond instead of react, opening the door to communication and building patience, while giving the child some space to quiet the emotional turmoil.

2. What is the child mirroring about him- or herself?

As we all know, we are our children’s first teachers. Our children are exploring and learning about themselves through our responses to their emotional ups and downs. So let’s look at what Dr. Shefali says about the child’s behavior: “Every bad behavior is an unmet need.”

Often we hear that children are acting out to get attention, and that, in order to stop the bad behavior, we should simply ignore it. Dr. Shefali’s comment underscores the fact that for children, especially young ones, the unmet need is a cry for connection, attention, and understanding. This is not something you can ignore without harming the child.

So when your children are having temper tantrums, explore managing their emotions with patience by building their emotional intelligence. One great way of doing that at Tools Of Growth is by practicing “Dealing with the Feeling—spot it, say it, okay it”. This is guaranteed to enhance communication and help both of you!

Want more from the brilliant Dr. Shefali? She blogs on The Huffington Post regularly and can be found on Facebook and Twitter.

Did you catch Dr. Shefali on “Super Soul Sunday”? What did you think? If you missed her, tune in again this coming Sunday, May 25 at 10am on OWNtv.