• Get the book!

    “We’re excited that The ‘Perfect’ Parent is joining this year’s list of award-winning products,” says Julie Kertes, NAPPA General Manager.
    The Book »

  • TOG Newsletter

  • The Tools

    Tips that build communication habits for a happy today and relaxed tomorrow.
    Read More »

  • Testimonials

    "Roma has a way of breaking down parenting challenges into truly basic concepts that are easy to identify and provides simple tools that turn difficult moments into connection moments." — Lacie R. Read more »

  • Recent Posts

    How To Train A Wild Elephant — Week 8

    Last week I was so proud of myself for writing my weekly blog post on Wednesday and sending it out to my brilliant... Continue Reading »

  • Archives

    • Love is a Trick

    Posted on March 29, 2013

    Let me recap Downton Abbey, the award wining BBC drama series, season finale episode of Season 3. Don’t worry, there are no spoilers ahead! 
    The Scene:
    Lord Robert and Lady Cora Grantham and their family go on their annual trip to visit the home of their cousin, Lady Susan, and arrive to find tension between Lady Susan and her husband. It is also clear that as a result of their fired tempers and underlying resentfulness and dislike for each other, their beautiful teenage daughter, Rose has borne the brunt of a home full of tension. She has become defiant, promiscuous, rebellious, and the center of negative attention. As they are getting ready to leave, Rose’s father, Lord Flintshire asks the Grantham family to please allow Rose to spend some time at Downton Abbey so that she can reconnect with the feeling of family love. He says, “I  want her to know that family can be a loving thing. Love is like riding; or speaking French. If you don’t learn it young, it’s hard to get the trick of it later.”
    On the other hand, Lord and Lady Grantham, even during their own relationship hurdles, always maintain a well-balanced composure in front of the kids. They believe in resolving their issues privately, as adults should, with the utmost respect for their family unit. Some might say that that is the old fashioned way of parenting and that children should not be kept from knowing and touching “real” life, but I believe
     that children’s internal response to parental discord has never changed and never will change. Children are children. Their little feelings are their little feelings, regardless of whether we are in the early 1900s or early 2000s. I truly believe (and some research will tell you) that as parents, we have the responsibility of exposing our kids (at least at home) to ONLY what they can handle based on their age and their individual personalities. Parental differences, however, hold their own! They have been, are, and always will be the hardest feelings for kids to put in perspective, regardless of their age or phase of life.
     
    Disagreements among parents are bound to happen and as adults, we all know it is what builds and strengthens relationships. However, children do not get this! Their immediate response to parental disagreements, arguments, and clashes is only FEAR (guilt, blame, nervousness, anxiety); all caused by feelings they cannot identify or express. It is no wonder that children who bear the burdens of open parental disagreements often act out in other ways.
     
    So, parents: even if you are having a disagreements, small or large, among yourselves or other family members, keeping issues out of the eyes and ears of children benefits the children tremendously in the long run. Remember, “love is a trick much harder to get later on in life.” Furthermore, respect exemplified is respect earned. Exemplify respect among yourselves and the kids will not know any different. Having the courage to respect their feelings is a true example of unconditional love and the pay off is worth it, I promise you that!