Kindness: The Home Where Love Lives

Posted on February 4, 2012

Subject: Nitasha K. – Age: 12

Situation at hand: Disagreement over which middle school to go to.

Object of attack: Me — the mother — the receiver of all fired missiles at home base!

Nitasha insisted that that we support her decision of going to the local middle school where ALL (but one) of her friends were heading to after matriculation from elementary school. The truth is…it was not her decision anymore! We had tried to reason with her, taken the tours of both schools, spoken with faculty and teachers at both schools and we had decided, as parents, that it would be in her best interest if she did not attend the local middle school. But somehow she was in a zone of her own, her own make believe world, where she truly believed that the topic was still up for discussion…that the decision was still negotiable!

One Saturday morning, in the midst of yet another outburst on the same issue, my attention drew to Nitasha’s facial expressions…nostrils flaring, lips crunched, teary eyes, fists clenched, speaking loudly, pleading her case. As my gaze locked in her eyes, a sudden wave of quiet overtook me! I started to actually “feel” her feelings, my eyes welled up and I reached out and just held her, my heart full of love. She continued to sob for what seemed like forever. I was still in complete silence. In my head, I heard Wayne Dyer’s words from the last lecture I had attended, “When you’re right, practice being kind first.” That’s what I felt…kindness…empathy…and realized that that’s where the love was coming from. Love lived in kindness. Kindness is sort of a landscape where love thrives. Kindness is the home where love lives. It was my AHA moment!

As I felt the genuine feelings I did, I know my sobbing child connected with them…heart to heart. In a calm tone of voice she said, “I’m scared Mom. I know its a better school for me but I’m scared.” Now we knew exactly what she was feeling! Over the next few days, we talked about it at length and helped put her fears to rest, as best as we could, as she prepared over the summer to start a new chapter of her life.

I took close notes of my internal landscape that day and tried intentionally “practicing kindness” almost every time when my teenage kids (now adults) argued pointlessly. Kindness is being quiet, kindness is just listening, kindness is just making an effort to understand. The arguments got shorter. the emotions calmer, our understanding deeper, communication better, problems resolved sooner! “Wow,” I remember saying to myself, “This is so much easier than arguing and fighting.”

From that day on, kindness became my weapon of self defense! Every time I saw a disagreement approaching ….. I was armed with kindness and ready to take on a challenge!