“In Order to Understand Your Kids…” The Dalai Lama

“In order to understand your kids, you have to look at their personality from several different angles so you can learn who they are. Only then can you teach them.”

                                                    The Dalai Lama

I just got back from a spiritual retreat in Dharamshala, India; the home of The Dalai Lama. We had the good fortune of attending 3 days of lectures from The Dalai Lama Himself… an amazing treat. I have yet to see or hear a man so simple and yet so profound. He delivers his message of Compassion and Selflessness with such ease that one cannot help but be totally magnetized by Him. What I loved most about this 77-year-young man was his child-like humor! He giggles at his own jokes, smiles at the kids in the audience and always keeps the message playful and light-hearted. He is a wise child Himself, and an advocate of  ”understanding kids in order to teach them.”  

His profound words “understand kids’ personalities from different angles” really makes sense. As parents, we get caught up in changing our children’s personalities instead of working with their innate characteristics. We get caught up in telling them what to do instead of understanding who they are and what their personality is like and then helping them resolve issues.

I remember when my little one was 13 and had just started middle school, he forgot his homework books at school at least once a week for the first month. School was 35 miles from home and realizing that he forgot his book at school at 8:00pm (which is when he started his homework after football) did not help any. Besides, I told him every week that it was his responsibility to remember and now that he was a 7th grader, he should be accountable for his own school assignments.

Anyway, it was 8:00pm and he walks into the kitchen with a gloomy face looking for the school directory in the kitchen drawer so he could call a friend for help. I was pretty angry and couldn’t help myself as I said, “I am shocked! AGAIN??? You need to be more responsible! You do this every week! How are you going to get through school? Do you know how this can affect your grades? You need to check your books before you leave school…. BLAH BLAH BLAH!”

He walked away mumbling under his breath and I didn’t see him for a couple of hours. I went into his room at 10:00pm and he says, “Mom, I know you’re upset. But you’re the only one that KNOWS me and understands me… you KNOW staying organized is hard for me. You know I get easily distracted and tend to move on to the next thing without thinking. You know I have football practice right after school and you know what the coach does if we’re late (ten laps of the field!). Can’t you just help me instead of saying what you said? You KNOW I’m feeling bad already… how does making me feel worse help?”

He was right! I KNOW him and UNDERSTAND his strengths and weaknesses better than anyone else! I KNOW that organization is a challenge for him. I also KNOW that he does always try. I KNOW he cares enough to do his best (well, most of the time!). As soon as I went through this self talk of reminding myself what his personality is like, out came the solution! “So let’s try this,” I said. “When I pick you up after practice, how about you take a minute to check if you have everything you need for the evening, before we get on the freeway.” He loved it and it worked! We did go through a transition time. There was even a time that I had to remind him that our plan was a back up plan not a go-to plan. The goal was to remember to get all his books BEFORE he left the school for football practice (the field was 5 miles away from school). By the end of that semester, he would forget a book once every two months or so. Great progress.

I realized that by considering and honoring his personality traits, his strengths and weaknesses, I was able to help him and teach him how to get creative and work with his own weaknesses and challenges. What a life lesson! By understanding his intentions of wanting to do his best, I was able to show him that I too cared enough to help him resolve the issue. And he is right… since I do know him as well as he knows himself, I should be able to understand him and help him… isn’t that my first service as a parent? Shouldn’t that be our first service as parents?

So yes, in hindsight, I did have to look at his personality traits from several different angles and understand him so that I could offer him the support that he needed; it was the best way to teach him effectively.

This type of conscious parenting response is what activates our Parental Guidance System, our PGS. This is what helps us navigate effectively through situations. This is what helps us teach, learn, and grow with our kids. So keep your PGS active: 

1. By honoring and understanding your own parenting personality or style of teaching your kids.
2. By honoring and understanding your child’s personality and their style of learning.
3. By honoring and understanding the different growth phases that both go through so that you can learn and grow together.