Helicopter Parenting: Are You Hovering or Just Involved?

Posted on April 20, 2015

Mother and child crossing the road. Back view.

A mom in one of my classes said, “My sister often calls me a ‘helicopter’ parent, and I don’t like it. But I do consider myself a very involved mom. How do you draw that fine line between the two?”

There are so many tasks that we do for our children and with our children. Each of these tasks changes over time, however. We start by doing things for them, then do things with them, then watch while they do things themselves. Eventually we let go and allow them to do things independently. Sure there are going to be gray areas between these stages of growth and independence. With some children the transitions are quick. With others, not so much. Similarly, some transitions are easy for us as parents and some not. And that’s okay! We all know that some habits—especially those things that we have been doing awhile for our kids—take a little more effort to give up. But we can start by being aware of what we are doing. Here’s how you can begin that discovery process.

Grab a pen and paper or your mobile device and answer the following three basic but interrelated questions, which will help you identify where you are “involved” and where you might be “hovering” and should step back. Remember, honesty is key. Trust your gut on the tough answers:

  1. What am I currently doing for my children that they can or should be able to do for themselves?

* At home
* With schoolwork
* With extracurricular activities
* With social activities

  1. Am I hovering or actually involved?

Go over each of the above answers and decide whether your participation comes from actually being “involved” or from being “concerned” that either your children can’t do this task themselves or that you would rather do it than pick a battle over it. Mark an “I” next to the “involved” answers and an “H” next to “concerned.”

  1. Am I willing to give up the concerned activities and be okay with it?

Go over your “H” answers, and ask yourself if you are willing to give up these activities and allow your child some space to grow. (Reminder: Be honest with yourself and trust your gut.) If the answer is “No,” and you actually believe that your kids can handle themselves with this situation, then it is surely time for you to take a step back and to reconsider your hovering.

  1. Which of the “H” activities repetitively cause emotional drama and conflict?

These are the situations where you have definitely outgrown your involvement, and they should be up for discussion.

The simple truth is that we all also know when we are hovering over our children. The above checklist will help you identify any gray areas. Then it’s up to us to act on what’s in our kids’ best interest—despite how we feel about it.

Now that you have more clarity on specific issues, here are a few evergreen tips that could reassure you that you are moving in the right direction as well as help you through this transition, build positive communication habits, and nurture good relationships with your kids!

Reach out:

To the Mom in my class, I would suggest you ask your sister what prompted her to say that you were a “helicopter” parent. Ask her for specific examples. Or ask a close friend, spouse, or partner. Parenting is such an emotional and involved undertaking that sometimes we can’t clearly see our own behavior. Be prepared to listen with an open mind and keep your ego in check. This is the heart of mindful parenting and will help you keep your eye on your larger goal of building that great relationship with your kids. We all know that being a “helicopter” parent works to everyone’s detriment—our kids’ and our own. It stunts our children’s growth and prevents them from being self-reliant and resilient. Don’t be surprised if one or more of the H’s on your list are pointed out here. Remember to keep an open mind.

Listen and be up for change:

Now that you have identified your “H’s,” listen to your children’s push-backs. I don’t mean merely hear them but actually listen. When we are hindering our kids’ growth, they will let us know—loud and clear. Our innate human nature guides us to be in-dependent—dependent upon ourselves. It is no different with our children. Their push-backs come from their wanting to start depending upon themselves. Isn’t that what we want for them, too? Keep that goal in mind, and really listen when your kids tell you that they can do something themselves. Listen carefully; let them complete their thoughts uninterrupted. Be open minded, open hearted, and up for change.

Trust your instincts:

Parenting is not about being in control but about slowly giving over the controls to your children. The more often we remind ourselves of that, the easier it will be to pass over the reins. This is our best effort to under-stand our children, to support them, instead of over-standing them.