“Have to” or “Get to”? You Could Win a $50 Amazon Gift Card

Posted on February 9, 2015

Early this morning, my daughter, who is in grad school in Boston, shared a short video of a class lecture that a friend in law school had shared with her, along with a note that read: “This is so awesome. A great reminder for everyone!”

What the professor had said—and what struck a chord with both young women and me—was: Everything in life boils down to two things: You either get to do something or you have to do something. And we can shift our perspective of the experience by changing our words.

I’ve often reflected on just this idea, and it was on my mind a little while later, when I was returning phone calls to three busy moms.

First up was my sister, the active mother of three.

“Hi,” I said. “Is this a good time to talk?”

“No, I have a lot to do,” she said, sounding really busy.

“Is everything ok?”

“Yes, I’ve just got a lot on my mind. After work, I have to get the kids, and then I have to take Deven to basketball practice and Dillan to Kumon. While the boys are in classes, I have to run to Michael’s to get some supplies for Vaani for her project. I’m so tired just thinking about it!”

I followed that conversation with a call to another woman, a younger, stay-at-home mom who had a parenting question. I found myself asking what her day looked like. She said, “I’m on my way to the grocery store! I have to make my Saira her favorite homemade cookies. She has been asking for them for a week, and I promised her that she would have them for dessert today. Then I have to pick up my little one from school and take her to the park for a quick play date before I have to pick up Saira from school! Crazy day!”

Once again, I couldn’t help but notice the stressed tone of voice that accompanied the list of things she had to do!

On my next call, on purpose, I prompted the mom, who works part-time, to spill her guts with a, “So, what’s on the agenda today?” Off she went, “ Ugh! Where should I begin! I just got done with work, and I have to pick up Julia from school, and then I have to take her to dance practice! Then I have to swing by my mom’s to visit for an hour—she ‘s been complaining that I don’t make time for her, and she hasn’t seen Julia in a week! Parents!!! They’re like big kids!”

After our conversation, I couldn’t help but giggle as I started to wonder what it would feel like to apply what I had heard in that professor’s talk. As an exercise, I replaced some of the many have to’s that I heard with get to’s:

I get to take my son to basketball practice…

I get to make my daughter’s favorite cookies…

I get to pick up my little one and take her to the park….

I get to take my daughter to dance practice…

I get to hang out with my daughter at Grandma’s…

I noticed my voice took on a melodic tone as I switched the words. I even got a smile on my face. What kind of challenge would it be, I wondered, to inspire moms to switch those oh, so common words?

I was jolted back to reality by the voice in my head: “Easy for you to say…your kids are grown up, and you don’t have the never-ending to-do list and crazy schedule that a lot of moms do!”

At that moment, an email I was expecting came in, and I was pulled back into my work routine. Two hours later, my son called, and I was so engrossed in what I was doing that I forgot to say, “Hello,” when I answered the phone.

“Mom, are you there?” I heard my son say.

“Oh, yes, I’m here, Nav. Sorry. I was caught up in writing this email. I was supposed to send it by noon, and I’m already 10 minutes late. What’s up?”

“Oh, I just wanted to see if you could grab a quick bite with me. I’m on my way home now.”

“No, love,” I fired back. “I’m sorry. I have to return this email, and then I have to call my publisher to sort something out. I also have a conference call at 3 that I need to prepare for.”

“No problem, Mom,” he said. “Just thought I’d ask. I’ll come up and say hi after lunch.”

That was my aha moment! My hands stopped typing, and I realized that I’d blurted out a lot of have to’s in less than 30 seconds. I couldn’t help but wonder what our conversation would have been like if I had used a get to somewhere.

What a pleasure it is when our kids ask for our company, and we get to have lunch with them, I thought. I made sure to finish my email, and as I hit send, I heard the garage door open and my son walk in. I stopped everything and went downstairs to greet him. When he saw me grab a plate to fix my lunch, he asked, “Are you going to eat with me after all? I thought you had a lot to do.”

Mindfully, I answered, “Yes, I do have a lot to do, but I get to have lunch with you, and that’s extra special!”

After he left, I thought about the relief and gratitude I had felt by consciously substituting two simple words. Just then the phone rang. It was my son, telling me, “Thanks, Mom. Lunch was fun. I want you to know that you made my day!” How amazing that one get to could gift us both.

With growing children constantly in flux, parenting is truly a get to experience! We don’t have to be parents, we get to do so. Why don’t we remember that in everything that we do?

When we focus on the have to’s, we add a burden to ourselves, our children, and our relationship with our kids. A have to is a must-do command; a get to transforms the command into a privilege and ushers in a sense of gratitude for our children’s presence in our lives. Isn’t that an amazing gift?

Just for a week, let’s all try to be mindful of the have-to’s and make a conscious switch to a get-to… and then explore the good feeling that accompanies it.

Please share your stories. We will pick one that will become a featured blog post for the last week of February. They will also receive a $50 Amazon gift card!