How Dare You Talk To Me Like That!

Posted on October 25, 2017

When you are a parent, there will inevitably come a time when your son or daughter unleashes a slew of shocking and disrespectful outbursts directed at you. It will probably come out of nowhere, when you least expect it, and it might even happen when other friends and family are around. There is also a pretty good chance the first thing out of your own mouth is something like…

“How dare you talk to me like that!”

When kids, especially teenagers, are frustrated and angry, they will often be overcome with emotion and feel the need to lash out at whoever is in the line of fire. It is hardly ever personal and while your first thought is to ground them for life, if you take a breath and count to 5, you can most likely help them figure out what they are really having a hard time with. When kids argue, it is their way of reasoning and sorting through the thoughts and emotions running through their mind and body. If you hooked them up to a frequency detector, they would be off the charts.

When we respond with “How dare you talk to me like that!” or “You’re grounded!” we are just mirroring their frequency (mirror neurons) and we’ve now just made the argument all about US. Our job is to keep a level head and keep the focus on THEM. Sometimes that is easier said than done. That’s when we can refer back to the Tools of Growth.

1. Listen carefully. Let them complete their thoughts and spill over.

2. Take a deep breath and remind yourself this isn’t about YOU. If you feel you must address the “disrespect,” do it AFTER things have cooled off. You can discuss things rationally when you are more likely to get an apology… and a hug.

3. When kids argue with us, it is their way of trying to reason through the situation. It’s how they are building grit, self-reliance. They are going through the natural process of becoming independent… separating themselves from their parents.

4. Arguments are red carpet invitations for growth if we can ride out the wave of emotion. When we address issues when emotions and thoughts are calm, we get through to our kids much faster and the lesson is learned. And isn’t that the point of parenting… having our children learn and grow from their mistakes?

While we see full-sized people standing before us, we often forget that our teenagers are still children with brains that aren’t fully formed yet. According to neuroscientist, Dr. Frances E. Jensen,

Teenagers also lack the emotion-regulating function of a strong frontal-lobe connection, emotions are potentially going to drive behavior more during the teen years than at any other time in life.

So when your sweet kids turn into monsters right before your eyes, check your own behavior and realize that this is the time they need you the most.