How Can We Teach Our Kids to Be Themselves?

Posted on February 16, 2015

“You remind me of my sister.”

“He looks just like his dad.”

“She has her mother’s attitude.”

“Stop it—I don’t need another mother-in-law”

“I can’t stand my boss—he’s such a Napoleon.”

We spend a good part of our life fitting people into our world. The good, the bad and the pretty—somehow, we have a familiar image for it. These kinds of comparisons are how we bring new people and experiences into our world, making them feel closer and more familiar to us.

I was at the hospital the other day congratulating friends who had their first baby. Amid the love, I couldn’t help but notice the dialogue:

“Awwwww, his eyes are just like my father’s.”

“OMG, he cries just like his sister did when she was a baby.”

“He’s stubborn. He must get it from his grandpa.”

The comparisons begin at birth, but they don’t stop there. Our kids grow up with:

“You could learn a thing or two from your best friend, Charlie. Look how respectful he is.”

“I heard Jason made his mom breakfast in bed for her birthday…hint, hint.”

“How come the rest of the class can ‘get’ math, and you can’t?”

We want our children to be confident, resilient, and self-reliant so that they can be their best selves in this “dog-eat-dog” world. But what do we do from the get-go? We box them into a confined space with Charlie and Jason and the rest of the class and their siblings and parents and so on. We want them to find themselves, and yet with these comparisons, we restrict their growth, self-discovery, and self-understanding, leaving them weighed down with our expectations of whom they should be like and whom they should emulate.

Why can’t we dare to stretch the limit, just a little bit, and remove all the boundaries by saying:

“Be who you are.”

“Be proud of your unique self.”

“Appreciate your strengths—that’s where you can draw the courage to strengthen your weaknesses.”

“But I say that to my son all the time,” said a mom in one of my parenting classes. “He’s so weak, though, he still gets sucked in by peer pressure.”

If that’s the case, then we have to update our dialogue. Why not try:

“I love who you are, and you should as well.”

“I am proud of your unique style, and you should be, too.”

“I appreciate your strengths—and let’s draw from them the courage to strengthen the weaknesses that I know you’ll grow from.”

Yes, it’s a few more words. Yes, it might need a little practice. But it’s definitely a lot more aligned with what we want for our children and what our children want for themselves—to be happy, think positive, and do good. The icing on the cake? The trust and relationship that you build with your kids when you accept them for who they are. They’ll come to know that you truly are the biggest fan of their uniqueness!

Let’s set that intention for the New Year!

Wishing all of you an abundant and mindful 2015! Thanks for your support, and please know that we are here to support you in raising your kids to be happy, think positive, and do good!

In Joy!