Am I a BAD Parent?

Posted on August 21, 2012

My younger (sometimes wiser!) sister, mother to 3 children ages 8, 6, and 4, just called to share her thoughts on our TOG Blog and this is what she said, “My husband and I were catching up on the posts on your TOG Blog and we really enjoyed the guidance you bring to parenting. We both agreed that it really helps us be more conscious as parents, which I know is your goal. However, when I read your blog posted this morning, I felt weighed down, almost as if I WAS A BAD PARENT.”

“You’re kidding me!” I said. “You’re an awesome parent. But why did you feel that?” 

“Between my work, my husband’s weekend working hours, running our household, and managing three little ones and their homework, schoolwork, activities and entertainment, I have to admit, we can get pretty ‘unconscious’ as parents and sometimes we do or say things that do not fit the conscious parenting message that you advocate at TOGs. We try but I don’t really know that we are as conscious as we should be. Does that make us BAD PARENTS?” she asked.

“Absolutely not,” I reassured her. “In fact, no parent that is even thinking about how to improve themselves at parenting is a BAD parent. Each parent does the best that they can under the circumstances that they’re in. In our commitment to grow, be it personal or in parenting, we first become aware (or conscious) by just observing our own behavior and our children’s responses to it… just like athletes.”

I went on to explain that one way an athlete can grow or improve his game is by watching the reruns. Athletes watch reruns for hours and hours so that they can reflect on or become conscious of their plays and then work on improving their game. It does not mean they are BAD athletes. It just means that they learn from their great plays, their average plays AND their mistakes. In fact, sometimes their play is directly affected by another team member on their own team or on the opposing team… all of which is circumstantial and they have no control over! All they can do is focus on their own play and how it affects their team mates. Their goal is to become better at what they love to do. The process of improving is all they are focused on. If a player focuses more on how “badly” he played instead of on how to get better, his performances will spiral downwards. An athlete’s highest accolade in most sports is M.V.P.: Most Valuable Player. Not BEST PLAYER! An MVP brings the most value to his team and his award is based on a collective average of all his plays.

Similarly, labeling yourself as a “BAD PARENT” can be very burdensome. Just shoot to be the MVP of your family. Focus on bringing VALUE to your family unit, as best as you can. It might not be every time. As long as it the best that you can do under the circumstances. The fact that you are feeling weighed down is part of being a conscious parent; an aware parent; one who wants to do better for the little ones you love so much. Consciousness is not a commitment to be GOOD; it is a commitment to grow. That is CONSCIOUSNESS.

My sister got it! “So in order to improve myself, I should not beat up on myself. I have to ACCEPT myself first,” she said.

“Absolutely! ACCEPT yourself and your parenting personality AND always, always allow room for making mistakes. There is no other way to grow!” 

“All right then, can you blog a little more about “acceptance” so that parents can feel ‘normal’ even as they make mistakes?”

“Done!” I love this kind of feedback!

The TOG message morphs… thanks to all you. Your suggestions and comments are extremely valuable. Please do let me know what you’d like to read more about and I will make it happen! 

Have a wonderful weekend!