Candice and Amy met when they were 10. They knew in grade school that they would be BFFs! Sure enough, despite going to college in two different cities, their expectations were met. They got married to their husbands, and had kids at about the same time, and lived in the same neighborhood. To top it off, their daughters went to the same school and were BFFs too! The cycle continued.

One day, Candice’s daughter, Amber, came home and told her mom that Jenna, Amy’s daughter, did not want to be Amber’s friend anymore.

“Why?” asked Candice.

“Because Jenna said that you talked about her Mom behind her back,”

Shocked with the allegation and personally offended that Amy had the audacity to allow whatever it is that she was upset about affect the girls’ friendship, Candice snapped back sarcastically.

“Really? What did she say I said?”

“Well, she said that you did not like the lasagna that Auntie Amy brought to our house last weekend for the pot luck and that you made a face when you tried it, and you even complained to another neighbor about it. Is that true, Mommy?” asked the ten-year-old.

“Absolutely not!” Candice responded. “If anything, I told her how good it was and I even thanked her for it. Wait, I even asked her to email me the recipe!” she added, still in shock.

Annoyed, Candice picked up the phone and called Amy and said, “How dare you make up a story and lie to Jenna like this!”

“Now hold on a second,” said Candice. “Let me speak with Jenna and I’ll call you back.”

Well, it so turned out that Jenna made up the story because she was mad that Amy got invited to Zack’s birthday and Jenna didn’t. Since Jenna secretly liked Zack, she was hurt. She made up the story because she was mad that Amber got to go to Zack’s birthday! 

Eventually, they all kissed and made up and each one of the girls learned something from it — Moms included!

Caution, parents: when children are at play, check the facts out before you react. It will help you respond instead of react. The difference: A response is a well thought-out reaction.

A quarter of a century ago, on Mother’s Day 1988, I brought home my first bundle of joy: the ultimate Mother’s Day gift, my Nitasha, or Tash, as we lovingly call her. 

On the date, every month, for twelve months, we celebrated her birthday! Then her first, second, third, all the way to today! 25 ! WOW! It seemed like it flew by. Gretchen Ruben from The Happiness Project says, “The days are long and the years, short.” I couldn’t agree more.

Yesterday morning, as I was reflecting back, I wondered if we did all the right things for her; if we said all the right things to her. I wondered if we raised her as well as we had planned to? And then I got this picture from her! (You see she is off celebrating her grand 25th birthday in NY with her brother and cousins).

Looking at the picture, I got my answer. In fact, I got several of them! Nitasha:

is Funny - she finds humor in everything and humor finds her back.

is Loving - she loves life, knows how to enjoy it AND shares it, bar none!

is Compassionate - she cries when she reads her friend’s post; a friend, her own age who was recently diagnosed with cancer and acknowledges her every Facebook post updates about her treatment.

is Kind - she has taken her brother on this trip, all expenses paid (with her own money!)

is Trustworthy -if you’re a friend and have lost your keys in the middle of the night or have had one too many drinks — fear not — Nitasha will be at your private concierge service.

is Honest - if I give her $10 to pay for something that costs $9.85, rest assured, she will bring me my change back.

is Respectful -to her grandparents, parents, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers, grocery store cashiers, cab drivers, porters, teachers, Taco Bell and In-n-Out drive-thru window-attendants… pretty much everybody!

is Grateful -for the things she has, for her life, for her brother, for her grandparents, parents, cousins… pretty much everybody on the list above.

She is also very intelligent, a deep thinker, a very conscious and spiritually aware young adult.

Yes, she can challenge us and test our patience as she had many a times as she was growing up, but such behavior was always, always in the pursuit of knowledge! If we answer her big question of “Why?” to her satisfaction, that’s all she has ever needed. It is in answering her “WHY” questions all the time that I have found the answers to my own questions as well. In her search for knowledge, she fills everyone’s buckets along the way!

I don’t know if we did ALL the right things for her, but I do know she has done ALL the right things by us. What more could a mother have asked for on Mother’s Day.

Happy Birthday, my precious one. I am lucky to have you and I hold you close in my heart, today, and always.

Monday was about people running for the love of running. Instead, it turned into people running for their lives. And I can’t stop running either: running thoughts through my head about such unnecessary violence and what it means for our kids’ future; running out of reasons and excuses about why and how this continues to happen; running into puddles of emotion about the safety of our society. So then I ran with my thoughts to the Internet and found this: Wiki reported Deaths from terrorist attacks Jan through June 2013 and the results are sickening. January? 589, February? 558, March? 487, Apri?l 243 (thus far). April is not over yet.

UNBELIEVABLE! YES?

Although I struggle with the chilling reality of these numbers, I can’t help but notice that President Obama is the only world leader publicly addressing his nation with comforting words like “heroism, kindness, generosity, and love.” Less than 24 hours after the horrific Boston Marathon bombings, President Obama clearly reminded us of who we are and how we respond to evil. In his own words, “Selflessly, compassionately, and unafraid.”

We are fortunate to live in a land where there is value to human life; where even one death is considered one too many. Within 36 hours, we are recognizing and honoring Krystle Campbell, 29, of Arlington, Massachusetts, Martin Richard, 8, of Dorchester, Massachusetts and Lu Lingzi, a Chinese graduate student at BU.

It’s uplifting to see that help has poured in from all over the nation. Thousands and thousands of dollars are flying to Boston to help in any which way possible. Within minutes, we tap into our infinite human potential of love and compassion; we stand by each others’ side. This gives me hope that our society still has a chance. 

The beauty of it all is that our children get to watch how we respond to life crisis; as individuals, as a family, a community, and a nation. I wonder if the children that the world lost in the deaths mentioned above were remembered. I wonder if they were even identified. I wonder if the children that were left behind by fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters that were killed in these almost 2000 deaths this year got to hear the leaders of their country promise them help, comfort, and support. I wonder if they were reminded to respond selflessly, compassionately, and fearlessly.

We are lucky to be in a community and a country where, when faced with such extreme challenges, our love is held fast and does not break. 

We are fortunate that as lives are severed, many relationships are woven anew. 

We are blessed as the hearts of the victims and their families are broken, an entire nation stands beside them offering them theirs.

We cannot make sense of these horrific acts and unfortunately, we have no control over terrorist activity, but we do have control over how we respond to them. What we are seeing less than four days after should stand as an example for the rest of the world to follow. It should be an example that we, as a community as a nation, should be very proud of.

The terrible twos, the preschool separation blues, the elementary school adjustments, and the middle school social challenges are all in preparation for high school’s peer pressure, academic expectations from parents and teachers, “independence” declaration, and communication breakdowns!!! 

Who could ever be ready for all of this? Surely not a 13 or 14-year-old, new-to-teenage-years child! Then pour some physiological changes, hormone spikes, and unwanted hair growth to the mix and just observe. Obviously, these are not soluble ingredients. Each one is a layer of its own like the seven layer taco dip that I used to make back in the day!

How then can we assume that the minute a child turns 13 and is headed for or entering high school that he or she is magically ready to handle the challenges of life? How can the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) decide that the day children turn 13, they no longer need PG (Parental Guidance) at the movies? 

Here’s an overheard conversation that inspired this post:

“Where did you leave Cody?” asked Mom X.

“With Shawna,” answered Mom Y.

“Leaving a 5-year-old with a 13-year-old? Will they be okay?” questions Mom X.

“Well, if she can go to the movies by herself, now that she turned 13, she can watch her sister! Besides, she already has a boyfriend and she’s almost in high school. She’s responsible enough.”

“Has she ever watched her before?”

“No, not by herself. But I have to start at some point.”

Parents:

Hope this message is clear. Let’s not pile on too much responsibility all at once just because your child has turned a certain number in age. And yes, even if they think they are ready! For all we know, this newly turned 13-year-old who just started high school is watching her little five-year-old sister and her new boyfriend stops by and then what? I’ve also seen 13-year-olds crying in PG13 movies that they are perhaps not ready to watch alone just yet.

Pass responsibility in phases and stages. Let kids get adjusted to new responsibilities one step at a time. Don’t overwhelm them with too much too soon and then not expect a disaster to happen. And if you do, don’t be disappointed with their choices, or lack thereof. Young teens make irrational decisions mainly because they are unable to manage themselves. Be mindful before you leave young children for them to manage. 

Even if they are 13 now, PARENTAL GUIDANCE should be very much in place, until you are pretty sure they are ready. In fact, I suggest that any 13-year-old who’s “almost” in high school is in the midst of magnanimous personal and social growth and changes, and should NOT be burdened with babysitting young siblings unless it’s an emergency. This is in the best interest of everyone.

Please share this post with family and friends that might benefit from it. 

Parenting must evolve by the time children are 13 to accommodate this very special growth phase. The risks will outweigh the benefits.

I just came across this new research published in an article titled, “Pressures of Parenthood” in which couples exaggerate the joy of being parents to hide costs. It was published in The Telegraph, a reliable source of information in the UK. Needless to say, I was quite taken aback by the title itself, let alone the content. 

In my humble opinion, the “cost” of raising children has always been an issue since the invention of money! Here are some facts:

Condoms were first brought to the U.S. by Charles Goodyear in 1844. Yes, vehicle tires were not all he made! Reasons: Increased health benefit from accidental pregnancies for women and decreased financial burdens. In 1914, Margaret Sanger who coined the term “birth control” and opened her first birth control clinic, also stated that this would be a way for families to be less financially burdened if they wished. Wiki tells us: “Birth control increases economic growth because of fewer dependent children, more women participating in the work force, and less consumption of scarce resources.”  

 My point is there have been, are, and always will be “costs” associated with raising children. Our parents, grandparents, and our ancestors all had these costs. This is not a new problem or issue. It is a factor that parents have to manage if they want to have a family. Viewing children as a “financial burden” or a “pressure” takes the pleasure out of parenting, don’t you think? Here’s a blog, I wrote on this very subject last year that can, for sure, bring a fresh perspective to this very topic: Raising Children…Expensive or Expansive. 

Let us know your thoughts here, on Facebook, or Twitter.

Finally, just for fun, here’s something else I found: Birth Control Timeline. 

Thanksgiving of 2009. My kids were home from school. It was my son’s first time home as a freshman in college and my daughter’s last time at home as a senior. I had plenty to be grateful for! My husband, Harry, and I had full blown “empty nest” syndrome for the few months prior and this Thanksgiving we were truly thankful!

Harry and I were also in the process of updating and perhaps upgrading our curfew rules for my son’s first visit home. Harry reminded me that now that Navin was in college and had already lived many a curfew-less nights, the old high school curfew of midnight would be a joke. In fact, he was pushing for the retirement of the curfew altogether! I, however, was not ready for it; after all, the “many college dorms have curfews, too” was my approach. “This transition of ‘child to adult’ should be slow and steady,” I argued.

On the very first night that my kids were home, they both had friends from high school stop by and it was great seeing them reconnect. The next night, my son went to visit some other friends in The Valley and texted me this at about 6:00 p.m.:

“Staying for dinner at Gruber’s.”

“K, great. Thanks for letting me know.” I answered.

At about 9 p.m., he sent me another text: 

“Hanging out with the Trail Blazers (high school mascot). Don’t wait up.”

My daughter was busy studying for her upcoming finals and since she was on the quarter system, Thanksgiving was never a true break for her. Her finals were right after the holiday. I chatted with her for a while and as I kissed her goodnight, she asked, as if she was in my head, “So what time is curfew for Navin? Or is there one?”

I really didn’t want to answer her question because (a) I didn’t have an answer. It was still undecided, and (b) because she never needed one at his age (She was Miss Ultra Responsible) so we never really had been through this before! 

“We haven’t changed anything so far and he hasn’t asked yet. So let’s see,” I said, as I walked toward my bedroom. A split second later, I felt a power trip overtake me and I turned back and said to her, with a wink, “He better be home by midnight!” 

“Oh, Mother!” she said. “LETS SEE!”she mocked me, my own words back at me! 

I smiled as walked to my room, wondering what decision my chidult (child-adult) would make on his own. In my heart of hearts, I didn’t expect him to follow any curfew, especially since we had not discussed it.

The Morning After:

Nitasha had her books spread out on the dining table by 9:00 a.m., ready for another study session. Navin walked in, all dressed and ready to hit the gym. 

“Good morning, Momma,” his usual greeting.

“Good morning, love. How was last night?” I asked.

“Oh Mom, we had sooooo much fun. Andrew showed up. Snapper had just flown in. There were eight of us Trail Blazers and we just hung out and laughed and laughed. It was amazing!”

“What time did you get home?” I asked as I quickly turned my face toward the stove so they wouldn’t see me giggle. (I already knew when he came home! I was reading in my room until 12:30 while hubby was fast asleep. I walked out at 12:40 to check if my daughter was still studying since the family room lights were still shining into my room and she wasn’t there. She was in her room, out like a light, but she had forgotten to turn the lights off. Just then I heard the garage door open and knew that Navin was home! 12:45 a.m. Not so bad, I thought, as I snuck back into my room).

“Uh.. I was home by midnight, my curfew time. Right Tash?” he smoothly responded as he touched his sister’s shoulder and made “LIE CONTACT” with her.

Not even flinching and with her head still in her books, she replied, “Yup!”

My insides gasped for breath! I wanted to laugh and cry! Being the mother of a childult is never easy! I was being pushed to transition! He was almost 19. Was it even worth it? I knew if I treated young adults like children, they would push for freedom! I took a deep breath. Drank a big glass of water and heard myself saying, “Now that you’re in college, Love, and I do know you’re responsible enough, let’s retire your curfew. What do you say?”

He actually scooped me off my feet and swirled me around with a few hundred thank yous and said, “Just for that: I got home at 12:45 and Nitasha was not awake.”

“I know,” I told him matter-of-factly with eyebrows raised, “I’m yo momma!” We all burst out laughing!

The truth is that I did not know if he was responsible enough yet. I didn’t know if he made the right day-to-day decisions. I didn’t even know if he made it to class on time. What I did know was that it was time for me NOT to know it all or SEE it all. It was time to let go. It was time to just watch and stand by and to let him figure it out on his own, just as I had with my daughter. It was definitely a better option than having my chidult and my adult (she was 21 by now!) resort to lie contact!

What I also knew (which is probably the most gratifying part for all parents) was that my adult kids would stick up for each other when needed. Obviously, my daughter had put the curfew issue in perspective before I did and took her stance to support him. Knowing that they would be there for each other; now THAT felt really good! 

To sum it up, LIE CONTACT between siblings might not be that bad after all, at least in this case!